News

It’s Less Than 24 Hours Since Alabama Lost The National Championship And Tuscaloosans Are Already Taking Hostages At Banks

(Source) – A suspect is in custody after a hostage situation at a credit union in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, officials told local media. No one was injured in the incident inside the One Credit Union, according to Tuscaloosa Police Lt. Teena Richardson. Police chief Steve Anderson said that the incident began as a bank robbery.

According to Anderson, police responded so quickly to the call that the suspect was still in the credit union by the time police arrived. The suspect then started taking hostages, he added. Police stormed the bank, bringing the incident to an end, Anderson said. The suspect’s connection to the bank is not immediately clear, police said.

The credit union is located across the street from the University of Alabama’s law school. The University of Alabama issued a campus alert when the hostage situation was reported, urging people to avoid the area.

 


 

This is literally life for a large portion of Alabama football fans. Crimson Tide fans are so used to winning, so used to being an unstoppable force that traverses the college football season on a path made of the sweat and blood of lesser opponents as they search for another title, that a loss of this magnitude can completely disorient them. I can already imagine this man (who I’m going to assume is named Bubba based on no supporting evidence) wandering the streets after last night’s loss, forgetting who he is and where he lives, not because he is drunk but because the realization that Alabama can actually lose a game has completely destroyed everything he thought he knew about the universe. Now, with no purpose left in life, he saw no other option but to rob a bank and take its employees hostage, and in that moment he again felt alive.

 

Ok no but seriously, this guy definitely bet Alabama and the UNDER last night, and he bet it big. Sometimes when you lose your life savings on a bet you thought was a sure thing, a bank heist seems like the most logical next step. I get it, we’ve all a few people have been there. For any other Alabama fans that are considering this move, please don’t, there are other options. Steal money from your shitty sibling, start a desperate GoFundMe account and spam it to kingdom come on your Facebook feed until your friends and relatives give you a few dollars just so you’ll stop posting it. In the end, Alabama football will still be there when you wake up, and they’ll still be elite, and Lane Kiffin is now stuck coaching the FAU Owls, so you know… just don’t rob banks and stuff, because life goes on.

 

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